some thoughts in progress

http://blog.ted.com/2007/12/daniel_goleman.php

The video at the above link is 13 minutes long and makes a strong point. The lighting is not good, but it's just a man talking so all you really need to do is listen. He is a famous psychologist speaking at a famous conference on "Why aren't we all Good Samaritans?" I found this at work and had to interrupt my busy (ha ha) day to tell all of you about it. Recently I watched Mr. Moore's documentary about the U.S. healthcare crisis and at the end, through tears, I was thinking (not for the first time) "Why don't we care more about each other in this country?" We don't necessarily have to have "socialized medicine" (horror of horrors): if we simply, as a society, CARED more about what happens to each other, things would have to be at least a little bit better. We don't have to be such a CYOA (cover your own a**) society; but as life has gotten busier and more complicated we have conditioned each other to accept and expect selfish, "not-my-problem" behavior. This speaker relays an example of how our sheep-like tendency to follow the cues of the crowd can cause suffering; but if someone in the crowd takes the initiative and tries to relieve suffering instead, then others are more likely to do so as well.

The main point he makes, which I want to underscore, is that empathy is a natural reaction for humans but we learn to suppress it. He describes research that showed that we are more likely to suppress our impulse to help (or not even notice the need to help) when we are in a hurry or preoccupied with some imminent personal concern. And how often does each of us feel pressed for time?? Though guilty myself, I am convinced that there is social harm in the "busyness" epidemic. Busyness is our way of justifying -- and thereby preserving -- the status quo. It's our socially acceptable excuse for not living the way we know is right.

And I'm not sure how to get out of the trap myself, because most of the things that keep me busy seem to be activities that could potentially make things better in the world. And there is so much suffering in the world that we can get overwhelmed easily, of course, if we don't put some boundaries around our empathy. How can we learn to show more care for others without ending up feeling deprived ourselves? I wonder if we as a society worked harder on all the "deprivation" problems (e.g. hunger, loneliness...), if that would free up more of people's emotional energy and allow us to feel more for others?

gift giving

What purposes does gift giving serve? (in the order that I thought of them)

1. marking a significant relationship with something tangible that reminds someone of you
2. helping someone
3. acknowledging someone's unique identity by giving something "just right" for them
4. showing that you care about someone or that you understand their needs
5. simply reaching out, indicating to someone that they are important to you ("the thought that counts")
6. getting the satisfaction of surprising or pleasing someone (often coincides with #3)
7. being inclusive, making someone feel part of a group, not wanting to disappoint someone
8. fulfilling general social expectations

Can you think of anything else? Can we all try to focus on the first six and not default to #8? I suppose #8 still has value though, because if you feel better about yourself when you fit in to society and your community's norms, then this still helps others in that you're a better person to be around when you feel good about yourself.

I also try to be mindful of the consequences of gift-giving. Some possible ones are...

1. goodwill and happiness all around
2. costs and hassle of use and maintenance (for wanted gifts, this is not a burden)
3. debts for the giver, and/or the money not being spent on something else (for good or bad)
4. social debts for the other if you give more than they are comfortable with
5. more stuff in the landfill (packaging, plus whatever the gift is replacing, and the gift itself, eventually)
6. more market demand for the things you bought, leading to increased production
7. environmental impact of all of the above (for good or bad)

Me, this year I want services: cooking, babysitting, cleaning, home improvement projects, massage certificates, yard work, car maintenance, trips, yoga classes, etc. I need to be extremely judicious about new STUFF being brought into my world. For E I'm planning to give away the same number of toys she receives (or maybe even more, as she doesn't play with all the ones she has). Consumable stuff, such as FOOD, is also good! I interpret the value of a gift by the personal meaning it has for me, or the time & effort put into it, or the need I have for it -- not by the price tag.

Post a comment if you have thoughts on this.

wash less, drink more

I drive by one of our city's reservoirs every day, and it is dramatically visibly lower each day. More mud, more wading birds, browner water. Our state is in a drought. My farmer relatives are suffering more than the suburbanites who worry about their lawns. I do my part: I don't wash cars, water plants or lawns, wash patio furniture or vinyl siding. I don't wash the pets, don't wash the windows or the porch, don't really wash much of anything in my life - just clothes, bodies, and dishes. And I do those as little as I can get away with!

Of course I was already living this low-wash lifestyle before the drought, just now I can act all noble about it. A neighboring city has been under voluntary water restrictions for weeks and yet they managed to hit an all-time daily water usage record just yesterday - which was a Tuesday. What's up with that? Washing all the back-to-school clothes? Everyone trying to get their cars clean before the water runs out?

Please, y'all, join me in changing the social image: I hereby declare dirty cars and brown lawns badges of honor representing ecologic and economic responsibility. If we all can let go of the fear that we will be maligned by our neighbors and co-workers for such things, we can free up mental energy to worry about much more significant things! And we can save water. If our cities can't clean and pump enough water for us to drink, life is going to start costing a LOT more. I know my city sometimes "buys" water from other communities, but then those communities have less. It angers me that my city wants to attract new jobs and new residents when they have so much trouble supplying water for those here already. Where is it all going to come from? It costs money to ship it down here from the melting polar ice caps, never mind the additional greenhouse gases that result which make our weather problems worse! Do people ever think about the domino effects?